Living

26 Sep

On Tuesday, 11 years to the day since we first found my cancer, my doctors bravely told me that my body was finally succumbing to the disease.

It’s that realization nobody wants to have, but most need to have at some point. My mom thanked my doctors for their honesty; it’s hard to come by.

My nascent bone marrow just can’t handle the assault of medicines. I mean poisons. We’re worried I may even be losing my marvelous Maxine graft because my blood counts just keep falling and don’t recover. I’ve been getting fevers of 103 degrees for the past several nights, but only at night. My liver tumors have multiplied from three to 13. Something in my head is blocking my ability to articulate speech, so I sound mumbled. And of course there is not yet a drug developed that targets the genetic mutation we found my tumor has.

As of now, we’re stopping curative care and stepping up palliative care. Sometimes when you keep insisting on fighting, you can’t keep living. We’re not giving up, but we recognize that my body is begging for mercy. We have to weigh any long-shot treatments against the harm they might do to my quality of life.

But we have had some bright spots.

First, Jimmy’s residency program at the University of Iowa has taught him that being a good physician is more than just putting in the long hours at the hospital. It’s about taking time off when you need to prioritize things above work. They gave him at least the next month off to spend with me.

Second, I went to Mayo yesterday with my mom and dad to meet with Mr. 14-Hour Surgeon himself, Dr. Kasperbauer, to get his expert point of view. While there got to see my whole veteran pediatric oncology team. Both Julia and Dr. Arndt came in on their day off just to see me. Dr. Kahn took the bus over from the hospital. Dr. Rodriguez, Kelli and Michele visited. Talk about humbling.

Third, we have incredible friends. It has been a rough week. It started with a cancelled trip to Maine with my mom and Jack to celebrate my mom’s birthday and friends’ wedding. Instead, we spent the weekend in the New Ulm ER. My poor mom always gets the brunt end of the cancer stick. Then Jimmy and I got in a car accident Monday night. We had planned a trip to Charleston this weekend to celebrate our one-year wedding anniversary, but cancelled it because I was so sick. Then we got the above news. Sigh. 

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September 28, 2013

Our friends heard about it all and pooled their money to send us on a ridiculously indulgent anniversary trip this weekend. Jimmy’s uncle gave us his frequent flyer miles. We decided to reschedule our Charleston trip and go whether I’m sick or not. We are staying in the prettiest places in Charleston and I get to wear all my pretty dresses. We get to wheelchair around to all the history, along the harbor and past the grand old plantations. We get to clink a few champagne glasses (or a teacup and glass of brandy) to the tremendous year of non-stop laughter and love we have spent together. 

We’re taking my prognosis to get out and live very seriously.

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64 Responses to “Living”

  1. Sally Squires September 26, 2014 at 10:31 am #

    Dear Jenna,
    So very sorry to hear this news, but you, Jimmy, your family, your doctors and your friends continue to show us all how to live and enjoy every moment that we are given. In doing that, you give us all a priceless gift that words cannot describe. I hope you and Jimmy have a wonderful time in Charleston, which is one of the most beautiful cities in the world, filled with the history that I know you love I raise my glass to both of you.

  2. Becky Boyle September 26, 2014 at 10:37 am #

    Thank you, Jenna for sharing. I see you in your pretty dresses on the streets of Charleston and I am smiling even though my cheeks are wet. The city suits you. Charming, beautiful and full of color and life. I’m thankful that you and Jimmy can share the time. Take care.

  3. Rose Forst September 26, 2014 at 10:38 am #

    Hey Jenna,

    Have a wonderful ridiculously indulgent anniversary weekend!!!! Both Lyle and I continue to pray each day for you-hope you can feel the love. As always, thinking of you often,

    Rose Forst

  4. Denise September 26, 2014 at 10:38 am #

    Jenna,
    Thank you for sharing your news. Happy anniversary to you and your loved one. Enjoy the amazing gift and weekend with your husband. I really don’t have any words to describe how I feel for you on paper. Sending you prayers for happier days, prayers for helping you thru tough days and know that you are an angel.

  5. Melanie Ofenloch September 26, 2014 at 10:40 am #

    Jenna, enjoy your amazing trip and continue to live your life as you’ve taught us all to do — with love, laughter and a brilliant smile. Happy anniversary.

  6. Susan (Garcia) Hagen September 26, 2014 at 10:48 am #

    Jenna, you have been–and continue to be–an inspirational person to me since the day I met you at PSB. At first I admired you for your mad PR skills (you’re a rockstar, really). Then I admired you for your kind personality (it shines through to everyone you meet). Then I admired you for taking the leap and moving out east to DC.

    And then your cancer returned, and I admired you for your bravery, your poise, and your determination. You inspired me to join the Be the Match bone marrow registry, and to encourage everyone I meet to do the same.

    I haven’t actually seen you in person in years, but I have followed your beautifully written words, your ups and your downs, and I just have to say that even in delivering this heartbreaking news, you are inspiring. I am heartbroken to read this. The world needs more people like you in it. Please know you and your family are always in my prayers.

  7. Kristina Salkowski September 26, 2014 at 11:09 am #

    Jenna,
    You have lived your life with grace and determination – thank you for continuing to share your journey with such honesty and beauty.
    Your eager and tireless work to fight cancer within your person as well as the entirety of the disease has inspired and moved people to incredible action.
    Thank you for reminding me to always appreciate every moment in this life – wishing you every happiness on your anniversary trip.
    .

  8. Vanessa Beranek September 26, 2014 at 11:15 am #

    Your honesty & bravery never cease to amaze me. You are one of those precious few people in life who makes everyone around you better & happier. This post brought the tears out, thinking about & praying for you and your family during these difficult times.

  9. Kailyn Helget September 26, 2014 at 11:19 am #

    Jenna,
    You continue to be an inspiration of strength and hope as well as a reminder to live each day to the fullest, with the “fullest” looking different each and every day! Enjoy your time with your husband on your upcoming trip! Charleston is such a beautiful place – you will both LOVE it! Keeping you in my thoughts….

  10. Dick and Irene September 26, 2014 at 11:31 am #

    Jenna, I don’t know what else to say except that you are one of the most incredible women that I have ever known. I have prayed for you for the past eleven years and will continue to do so. Enjoy every day, and may every day bring you some joy.
    Our love and prayers.
    Dick and Irene

  11. robinguadagnini September 26, 2014 at 11:36 am #

    Oh sweet Jenna. My heart breaks for you. And there aren’t words coming now. Only tears. You are so amazing. And so brave and still my idol. You rock girl. And you go live too! I send you the biggest Arkansas hug, love and prayers for peace.

  12. Coach Missy September 26, 2014 at 11:47 am #

    As I’m writing with tears in my eyes…You are the bravest most beautiful young lady I know. Your strength is an inspiration to all around you. I think about you daily, thoughts and prayers to you and your family. Enjoy your anniversary trip, you both deserve nothing but the best!

  13. andrea1626 September 26, 2014 at 12:15 pm #

    Sending prayers and positive thoughts your way! Enjoy your anniversary and have a wonderful trip!

  14. Karen & Doug Torseth September 26, 2014 at 12:27 pm #

    Jenna,
    Your are amazing! You continue to handle this journey with such grace! Your articulate your words in your blogs so beautifully, although at times I am sure that is so difficult to do! May you feel the love, hug and support of those around you! We will to pray for you and your family! Have a wonderful trip to Charleston!! With Love, Doug & Karen Torseth

  15. Linda Mertz September 26, 2014 at 12:49 pm #

    Dear Jenna, I don’t know how to respond to this latest news. I have been praying so hard for a miracle to happen. I am amazed with your strength through all you have had to endure. I hope you celebrate big time in Charleston – you will love it! I can imagine you in all your pretty dresses like a true Southern bell! With love and prayers, Linda and Bob Mertz

  16. Emma Olson September 26, 2014 at 12:55 pm #

    Jenna, you are incredible. There is so much more I want to say but I honestly don’t know how to say it. I am continuing to keep you and your family in my prayers.

    Happy anniversary to you and Jimmy – enjoy Charleston.

  17. Linda Hornick September 26, 2014 at 12:59 pm #

    Dear Jenna,

    So sorry to hear your news. You are an amazing young woman and an inspiration to us all as you continue to focus on the positive. Have a great anniversary trip to Charleston and if you would, please share about it with us you & Jimmy return!

    Hugs sent for you & your Mom as I just switched jobs and haven’t seen your awesome Mom since I switched. Continued prayers for you, Jimmy and your whole family.

    Linda

  18. Lisa Helling September 26, 2014 at 1:40 pm #

    Hi jenna,

    I just wanted to let you know that you have been in my thoughts and prayers for awhile. I read your blog posts and see what you’re up to on Facebook often but haven’t posted anything until now. I’m incredibly sorry for what this awful disease has done but I’m inspired by your attitude and endless courageousness. I will continue to keep you and your family in my prayers, Jenna.

  19. Melissa Gieseke September 26, 2014 at 2:10 pm #

    Jenna-I’m so sorry to hear of that news but will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers-praying for a miracle and that you feel better. Happy anniversary to you and Jimmy-have a wonderful trip! Enjoy looking beautiful in your pretty dresses! You’re such a beautiful person, inside & out.

  20. Miki September 26, 2014 at 2:39 pm #

    Jenna –

    You consistently continue to make the world a better place by your presence. We know you will ALWAYS be with us for all eternity!!

    Wishing you and the love of you life a very Happy Anniversary and soak up every second and create some amazing memories!!

    May the Lord continue to embellish you with His Glory and bless you both on this ridiculously indulgent anniversary trip this weekend ~ and forever and always. He will be smiling knowing His child is living life to the fullest.

    Love you sweet girl!! You have taught us all much and continue to do so!!

    Love n prayers… today and always!!
    Miki

  21. Kelly Whitley September 26, 2014 at 2:45 pm #

    Jenna – Like the others here, I’m made speechless by this news. You are a true inspiration and I wish all the happiness, laughter and love possible. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

  22. Tricia Schreiber September 26, 2014 at 3:07 pm #

    Well I have been gaining interest in Charlston myself lately, Jenna, and when I heard it was on YOUR list, it just made me want to get there all the more! Are they (Charlstonians – is that a word?) aware of the celebrity that will be gracing their town this weekend? I think a lot of famous people have passed through there, but none as beautiful as you two. None with your strength, love, humor, and grace that we all have been blessed to have witnessed. Anyone that you encounter there will immediately feel it. I read that they were named ‘America’s Most Friendly City” in a couple travel magazines and “the most polite and hospitable city in America” by Southern Living. It sounds like the perfect place for you two to drink your brandy/tea and celebrate your first year of wedded bliss. Give it your all, and take it all in, that’s my prayer for you this weekend. love you two

  23. Carol Schroeder September 26, 2014 at 3:25 pm #

    I am praying that you have a fun trip Be good to yourselves….

  24. Linda Yun September 26, 2014 at 3:27 pm #

    So shocked to hear this news, Jenna. Enjoy every enchanting corner of Charleston, and sending much love your way…

  25. Julie Z. September 26, 2014 at 4:12 pm #

    You are such a brave, wonderful, smart, and beautiful person, Jenna! Thinking of you, and I hope you have a spectacular anniversary weekend!

  26. Tate''s Mom September 26, 2014 at 4:13 pm #

    Dr. Kahn and Dr. Dr. Rodriguez are an amazing team. My son had them. Blessings, prayers, to you and your family. Tate’s mom!

  27. barb grossmann September 26, 2014 at 4:52 pm #

    ||Happy Anniversary and God bless you and your family, you are such an inspiration– you are in my prayers

  28. Chris Olson September 26, 2014 at 5:23 pm #

    Jenna,

    My prayers are with you and Jimmy. Enjoy Charleston. You have been such an inspiration to so many people.

  29. Rick Harder September 26, 2014 at 6:01 pm #

    You been and remain an inspiration to so many people. Hope you enjoy your anniversary celebration in Charleston….I hear its charming. Be at peace and know that you are loved.

  30. Kathy and Rick Van Roekel September 26, 2014 at 6:17 pm #

    Jenna we are so sorry to hear your latest news. You have made such an impact is your young years despite, or maybe because of, the eleven with cancer. Our prayers go out that you and Jimmy enjoy your trip and every day’s blessings. Take care.

  31. Sally Schreiber September 26, 2014 at 7:08 pm #

    Jenna, You’re in my heart and prayers, always! Though today there’s especially heartache, there’s also so much admiration, love and hope. I’m praying that you’re blessed with renewed strength & endless joy on your anniversary trip to Charleston – & hoping you find a jukebox that plays your wedding song, “Edelweiss”! Sending love & hugs to you and Jimmy.

  32. Grandpa Dick and Grandma June September 26, 2014 at 7:31 pm #

    Jenna, the news in your Redhead Report was heartbreaking for all of us that love you so very much. But, we are so thankful that we have had you in our lives for the past 28 years. You are our sweetheart. We hope and pray that God has one more miracle that he can share with you. No one has ever fought the fight as hard and diligently as you. And, we know that you will continue this battle. That is you! With your spirit, your courage and your determination; you have set a wonderful example for others with cancer to follow. As I wrote in our anniversary card to you and Jimmy: Be what you can be. Do what you can do. Love more than you ever have. Know That we are all with you! Love you Jenna.

  33. Susan sieve September 26, 2014 at 7:32 pm #

    Your old second grade teacher continues to hope and pray for your recovery!

  34. Betsy (Willing) Price September 26, 2014 at 7:50 pm #

    While reading this I got tears in my eyes….but not for the news, for the way you’re taking it. You don’t know what the future holds really but yet so strong! I keep thinking back to that day in school when you told us all about the first cancer…it seems so long ago, but I still see the strong woman in you even now. I’m continuing to pray for you and cherishing all the memories. We may not have been the best of friends, but we were classmates and we were and are a group together! Enjoy charleston and those pretty dresses!

  35. Judy Batten September 26, 2014 at 8:02 pm #

    I am writing this with tear filled eyes. You are a very courageous, loving woman. Have an anniversary weekend with as much joy as possible. Tom and I send our prayers, admiration and love to you and Jimmy. Aunt Judy

  36. Susann September 26, 2014 at 9:45 pm #

    You don’t know me. I worked in the IPG DC family when we recorded videos for you back per your first BMT. I had been on the registry for years, but I needed to come let you know I donated bone marrow to a still-remaining-anonymous recipient from Nashville right when your story was being told. I knew your name but not your story. I came to your blog a few days in those days. I have no idea what spurred it, but for some reason I was led to remember your name and come to your website this week.

    You are brave and strong, and I wish the same for you and your family in the upcoming days.

    And for what it is worth, I was married in Charleston. Live it up- it is a wonderful city for creating memories. Eat some Coca-Cola cake at Jestines. Take a swamp tour at one of the plantations. Sip some sweet tea vodka. Sit quietly at the uppermost Folly Beach. Stand under the Ravenel Bridge and see human innovation.

    And enjoy time with one another.

    Our thoughts and prayers are with you for comfort, family, happiness, and peace in the upcoming days.

  37. Carolyn E Palmer September 26, 2014 at 9:47 pm #

    Love you dearly Jenna, I have never met anyone as brave as you. I will always keep you in my heart.

  38. Julie Bute September 26, 2014 at 9:54 pm #

    Jenna,
    I’m not sure that you will remember me but I worked at Lambrechts with your mom and lived next door to you on Minnesota Street for a couple of years. You are an inspiration! I hope your anniversary trip is magical! Praying for you and your family!

  39. Tiffany, Ryan, and Dominik Walters September 26, 2014 at 10:14 pm #

    Sending all our love to you and Jimmy. Happy Anniversary!

  40. Lu Vanderwerf September 27, 2014 at 7:28 am #

    Jenna- Happy Anniversary! I hope your trip is wonderful! The journey you have been on, and your willingness to share it, is nothing short of inspirational. You have great spirit and courage and we are all learning great lessons from you. I continue to keep you and your family in my prayers. God bless you!

  41. Linda Peterson September 27, 2014 at 7:43 am #

    Peace & Love

  42. Jyneal McCrea September 27, 2014 at 8:22 am #

    Jenna and Jimmy,

    Here’s hoping you have a most spectacular anniversary celebration! You had the most fun wedding we’d been to in a long time. Thank you for allowing us to share in your special day..

    I am jealous you are in Charleston. I spent one brief afternoon there and have always wanted to go back and explore it further.

    I am so happy to hear that Jimmy has the time off so you can oogle over each other all the more.

    I am heartbroken to hear your news, but at the same time uplifted by your continued brilliant spirit. I’ve said it before, but it can’t be repeated enough – you are truly an inspiration.

    Love and hugs, Jyneal

  43. Carolyn Rewitzer September 27, 2014 at 9:25 am #

    Jenna,
    I am Bridget’s (Kalow’s) Mom, Carolyn. Yesterday, she directed me to look at your blog….. It was my first visit. I couldn’t be more thankful that she did!! I just needed to send you and your husband every single prayer I could possible pray over you. May the Lord bless you and keep you safe as you continue your journey. You are an inspiration to anybody and everybody!!!!!! I send prayers and strength to your Mom, Lisa too. I am speechless………..You are amazing!!!!!!!!!!! Keep the FAITH!!

  44. Tricia September 27, 2014 at 12:05 pm #

    Jenna, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your whole family. You are such a fighter and have been through so much in your life. I hope for you only wonderful and peaceful things in whatever is to come. We went to school together but were in different grades and circles of friends but I always thought you were so brave with everything you were going through, you always seemed to have a smile on your face. I saw this blog on FB and just wanted you to know I am thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers.

  45. Tim Babel September 27, 2014 at 6:50 pm #

    Jenna- You may not know me, but you do know some of my children. You are a true inspiration to all of us. May your grace, dignity and attitude shine in us all. I wish you peace.

  46. Julie September 27, 2014 at 7:39 pm #

    Dear Jenna, you are such a wonderful, amazing woman. God’s blessings on your journey!

  47. Dawn September 27, 2014 at 7:51 pm #

    Jenna,
    Found your blog in a link from a “New Ulm” facebook page. I am originally from New Ulm. I am so terribly sorry that your diagnosis is not as it should be right now. You do not deserve this. My prayers are with you and your family.
    You will enjoy Charleston… We live close by. Look for “Fleet Landing”. Beautiful waterfront views, close to all the beautiful sites, cobblestone streets, colorful huge homes, and history everywhere.
    I pray that you are healed. Life is just far too real, sometimes.
    God Bless.

  48. Nichole Herr September 28, 2014 at 12:04 pm #

    Jenna you truly are an inspiration! Your courage through everything has been incredible. Enjoy your time as best you can and know you and your family are in everyone’s thoughts and prayers

  49. Jenny Meslow September 28, 2014 at 5:31 pm #

    You do and always will have a unique and special place in my heart, Jenna.

  50. Marggi Thordson September 29, 2014 at 7:37 am #

    I just posted on another site. You are my Hero Jenna. Through your mom I know you’ve always reached for the stars & have accomplished things in your young years most don’t achieve in a lifetime. What beauty & strength you shine on our world. I’m awestruck & my heart & prayers go to you & your family. Yours is true life. God be with all of you.

  51. Sandi Koop September 29, 2014 at 8:43 am #

    Jenna & Jimmy-
    I hope that you had a wonderful weekend and anniversary. Your life and spirit have been an inspiration to so many and I am always amazed at your strength. I continue to pray for you and your family during this time. Thank you for sharing your journey with all of us and know that you are all loved by many.

  52. Brea Atkinson September 29, 2014 at 10:34 am #

    Jenna, my love. Your grace, beauty and humor are absolutely incredible. I know you’re flooded with messages right now, but if you’re up for visitors, I would love to come be super inappropriate with you, Herman and Jimmy or even Skype to say hi. I’ll even go so far as to drop an actual letter in the mail (lord knows how you love the written word – another fabulous part of you) if you can get your current address out to the world in some discreet way. Otherwise, I’ll brush up on my internet stalking skills.
    Love, love, love you.

  53. onechicklette September 29, 2014 at 6:38 pm #

    Jenna, we only met once, that day in Chicago, but I’ve been rooting for your health and happiness since even before then. I don’t know quite what to say other than how much I admire you and your fight and the grace you have managed to maintain through the toughest of circumstances. May your every moment be full of love.

  54. A-T September 30, 2014 at 9:02 am #

    “Sometimes when you keep insisting on fighting, you can’t keep living.” Thanks for that beautifully penned reminder, we all struggle with our own battles. Live on, Jenna!

  55. Elmer and Lois Guggisberg September 30, 2014 at 11:50 am #

    Jenna, I knew when I talked with you last weekend that things were not good, but we are always hoping for the best. Life would be great if we could always be healthy and up beat and things would always go our way, however we do not learn a lot about what is important in life. Hard times turn our head and heart to God, and the people around us, who support us. I know that you are enjoying all the beautiful sights in Charleston. I remember a time in Zion National park when I too whispered those words to the wind “This is so beautiful” and Bryan whispered back “Your right Mom, but it is even more beautiful where I am” Have a good time and know that our thoughts and prayers are always with the two of you. Love Lois

  56. Mary Henle September 30, 2014 at 11:08 pm #

    Jenna and Jimmy – Happy Anniversary! Love and Joy and constant prayers (our rosary beads are hot) continue to pour down on you. We all love you madly!!! Cheers, hugs and kisses to you! Mary and Kevin Henle

  57. Carol & Charlie Guggisberg October 1, 2014 at 9:13 pm #

    Jenna & Jimmy– Congratulations on your first anniversary. Hope you had a wonderful time in Charleston. Jenna so sorry to hear about your cancer diagnosis. You have given so much and you and Jimmy will always be an inspiration to all of us to love and commit to true values in life. We continue to pray for you and treasure all the fantastic memories you have created. Love-hugs and prayers–Charlie & Carol

  58. Mary & Paul Portner October 3, 2014 at 8:16 am #

    Jenna:

    Your courage, grace & attitude of life and living are things we all could learn from. You, Jimmy, Lisa, Jack & the rest of your family have been in our thoughts & prayers since your high school days – but especially the last few weeks. Happy Anniversary – I hope you & Jimmy enjoyed your time in Charlestown. Blessings – take care. Mary & Paul Portner

  59. Louise Guggisberg October 3, 2014 at 6:56 pm #

    Dearest Jenna & Jimmy,
    There’s no playbook for dealing with cancer, but at every step of the way you have shown others the very best way to adapt to the changing news. You not only inspire, but you and your familes are a true trail blazers wherever you go. Your gracious strength, super-high empathy and elegant presence always blow me away. I’ll continue to earnest pray your strength continues to be enriched. Love you dearly. Louise.

  60. elizabethpbarnes October 22, 2014 at 5:14 pm #

    …Simply in awe. Thank you so very much for your forthrightness, by which you are teaching us all. Blessings to all of you.

  61. John Berg October 23, 2014 at 12:17 pm #

    Hi Jenna,
    Being at Tim and Jane’s wedding this past weekend with Jimmy was great. We definitely missed you.
    You and I met a few days before my wedding at the Cubby Bear in Chicago a year and a half ago and I just wanted to let you know that my wife Caitlin and I are praying for you and Jimmy. I remember Jimmy telling me how amazing you are and how courageous you are for what you had been through. The amount of love, passion, and conviction in his voice was AMAZING! I felt so happy in that moment that you could share such a strong love and am happy now knowing how much stronger that love is.
    Of all the men I know, Jimmy is the one person I know to be such a strong supporting rock. I know you understand this more then anyone. He has a natural supporting and nurturing way about him that I don’t think can be explained. When Caitlin and I heard about your diagnosis, the first thought to came to my mind is that I couldn’t imagine having a better partner to be there for you and to live with you.
    I love the words you have shared and am so happy you and Jimmy are celebrating each other.
    Love and prayers, John and Caitlin

  62. Mark Reinarts October 23, 2014 at 4:43 pm #

    Jenna and Jimmy, my thoughts and prayers are with the both of you and your families, You more than likely do not know me, but after going through a situation very similar to yours I felt the need to write. Live for today and enjoy every tomorrow. God does have a plan for all of us. May He bless you on this journey and may you find the love and peace in eachother for as long as you have.

  63. Missy October 23, 2014 at 7:58 pm #

    Jenna and Jimmy
    I am so sad to hear your news and can only wish that every day together is lived to the fullest. I hope you dance…your hearts content.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Eleven years after cancer diagnosis, the bad news | NewsCut | Minnesota Public Radio News - September 26, 2014

    […] On her blog today, Langer announces that she’s terminal. […]

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